Modern Love?

So yesterday, I watched a movie about modern love or should I say dating? As usual I went in blind to pick a movie I was going to watch. As long as it's not horror which I won't watch, and looking for Parent's Guide if it's a Thriller genre.
This movie is slow pace and I actually loved it (except the ending) because it doesn't sugarcoat things. It's not a fancy movie.

This movie showed how modern dating works. Dating apps. Swipe swipe. Hook up and things. Choosing dates based on appearance. Instant. Put feelings aside. Tragic. Oh and about an open relationship to keep their romance fresh. Meh.

Sometimes I feel how fucked-up it is to have an open relationship. For me it's not about love anymore, it's about playing games, ego, and not knowing what actually you want in one period of time. Running in circle. Self destructive. False sense of security. Not get their shits together. Greedy. Cold dead heart. Basically license to cheat. Infidelity is infidelity. There's no transaction or bargain. End of story.

Yup, that's including Emotional Affair.

What kind of person who let their partner sleeps and fucks around with a bunch of different potentials in order to get supplies to full fill the big void in their cold heart?

If you want an open relationship then find a partner who wants to be in an open relationship too, as fucked up as you are, mutually. Don't mess with others who don't accept that concept, especially 'cheating' and crossing boundaries with someone who don't know what kind of term you're in. Don't waste other's time.

In this movie, even though you are in an open relationship and all about those transparency, there are still a lot of things that you still hide from your partner (in this movie the main characters are mutually in an open relationship, well one of them kind of new in this term but still play along). Sad. What a sad generation.

I mentioned that I didn't like how this movie end. Although the main character finally realized that an open relationship didn't work and not good for their beings and health, damaging, how self-destructive it is, they actually got back together and wanted to be serious haha . And that's not my problem. I just didn't like how the woman character was ruining the man's life (this was all her idea -- open relationship thing but hey it takes two to tango) and that easy getting back into his life again with tears. *rolling eyes*

There's one scene that made me shocked, my eyes warm and teary. It was when the man finally met with his ex wife when his current fucked up girlfriend moved to his sugar daddy's house (his ex wife had miscarriage when they were together, and this man ran away from all the problem though he wanted and got excited for their pregnancy). He hasn't moved on from her before, it'd been 6 something years. She has a baby with her new partner and named him the same name I want my future first kid to have.

This scene itself got me teleported to that specific time in a split second. I thought "oh that name, maybe coincidence" also me don't believe in coincidence.

But THEN the man said "(repeated his name)? Like (first name of that star)?"

Well there's that. It's the same name and the same person I got inspired too.

Then the ex wife said "I know.." I bet it's also the same name the ex husband and her planned to give their first baby.

And in those seconds I truly got teleported to that one particular session and I burst into tears.

And no. I won't mention the title of this movie.

And Yes. I get no Open Relationship in my personal dictionary.

Discontinuity

Tell me that you never think of it
Tell me that you were just bored
Tell me that you never interested
Tell me, it's just high hope
Tell me, that all of it doesn't mean a thing
Every single of it
Tell me, you'd never wanted to know me
as real person..

November

Life sometimes is way too overwhelming
A little step back won't hurt
A bit of reset is okay
No contact with the outside world
Some rest is all you need
Experimenting new things to freshen the days
Changing the routine.

Some people say,
January it's a good start to restart

For me,
Don't ask why
Because I don't have the answers..
For me,
It's
always
in
November.

.

What if someday..
you suddenly disappear for the reason I don't know why?

And what if someday..
you suddenly disappear.. forever?

Who do I run to?
Where do I look for you?
Will I ever know?
I'm scared..

Full House

I still don't understand
I have known the truth
But why I am still holding on
Why is this?
The chain is on your door
It is always on your door
It feels like you have opened the door
But that house..
That house is full inside
 
I am confused
I am in a total confusion

How is this a real thing?
And why?
Is it an illusion?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Obscura

someday we could meet and talk about
the sweetness and bitterness
we had never had a chance to talk about

only if you're clean
not get tied to anyone
and i want to hear it from your own pretty lips
then i could speak blatantly about
what's been shaking the core of the fun
what's making me thinking this is not okay
what's making this is so unhealthy

i might have the courage to say it

i wish you could see it from my own shoes
i wish i could see it from yours
how it feels
how it makes me having sleepless nights
when i don't talk with you
how i get better sleeps while having anxiety when i know i enjoy this but
i also know this ain't right

i don't think i have the right
to say it this time
who the hell am i?

i think i've misunderstood
i think i've taken it too personal

someday, maybe.
we could talk about it
in person.
in a better state.
if the fates allow..

Emotional Vampire

you're fear of intimacy.
you're fear of commitment.
you're fear of exposure.
you're fear of rejection.
you're fear someone will take off your mask.
you're also fear of abandonment.
you can't be all of it unless you're a emotional vampire.

all you want is to play mind games
and hurt people who genuinely adore you.
you've got a lot of supply.
by supply, i mean, your target to be manipulated.
your victims.

your main girl is either strong or stupid
for standing right next to you for years if
she knows what you've been doing
with all the girls.

she'd better run
or maybe she just chooses to stay
because fear of starting fresh
or wants what you already have.

you thought you're so secretive
hah!
you're an open book.
so easy to learn and read you..

you never know what you want.
you can't deal with facing your own shame.
you will never tell the truth.

you have huge egos.
gaslighting here and there.
you don't love anyone, including yourself.

good luck with that!

p.s. when will you ever learn?

About My Writings.

Hmm where to begin.
Writing is one of my passion and my way to communicate. If you know me in real life, I am not a talkative person. I do observe a lot. Like A LOT. I learn what the other person's character or state. It's just a thing my minds do.

Maybe I am too sensitive and usually get connected easily to others' feeling or thoughts because of this observation thing.
You know, you kinda can sense and read it on their face or voice, and body language. You can feel it in the air when someone switching moods, either in real life or virtual.

Still do it to people I've known for ages or even my whole life. Not only for new people I just met.

Through writing, I am able to let my thoughts known. I know I am better at writing than talking. Always.

I don't remember when the last time I talk a lot with a person or group other than my brothers I meet once a month or a few months. Small talks not counted.

Phone calls? Let's skip it. I'd let it rings peacefully. Or vibrates in silence. Sorry.

Through writing, my deepest wish, my deepest fear, or other twisted thought could be translated into words, into poem / poetry.

I love it.

Recording moments through writing is not so bad. Creating a poem based on my own experience, friends' experience, or a scene in a movie or even flashing idea, are good for improving my style in story telling, vocabulary or diction.

For poem based on my experience, I could never understand how the 'wrong' persons assuming it's for them when it's clearly not, I believe, there's still a lot of moment unmatched (if they thought it's for them lol), why keep assuming things?

I don't find it necessary to adress someone's name in a poem. It's a secret between the writing itself and the writer. Period.

If the shoe fits, well..i mean.. wear it ¿? lol but don't take it too personal because hello, real talk, do a recheck again maybe?

Don't be like that psychos who keep haunting you even they fully aware it's been dead and no one wants it to come back from the death ever. It's been ages, let it die. I don't wanna be learnt by a psycho. I don't wanna be haunted by a obsessed and delusional person. I don't wanna be annoyed by a freak. I don't want to know a thing about this annoying person.

Let me have my life.

Let me clarify things.
I only write for a person who is present in my current life, who fulfill my days, as my way to appreciate them in my life. It's gonna sound like a letter sometimes (Gosh, I wish send a letter through a post office is still a thing, anyone wanna be my pen pal? haha)

If anyone has vanished for quite some times, I'd never make a writing for them, it's wasted. I know my boundaries and limit.

Anyone can take that as a note.

I am happy to share my thoughts and feeling to the world. I am happy with my writings. It's my way to communicate.

And no, I would never make a contact and communication with a f-king psycho.

Dancing Dancing Dancing

it's 3:49 am
put the earphones on
play the music
neighbors under the floor could careless
dance like no one is watching you
take a deep breathe
though you don't know how to dance

just
dance

today is a good day
and so is tomorrow

be grateful

sing and dance like how you dancing
under the moonlight
waiting for the moonset

send the vibe to the universe
celebrate your good day

sun is gonna rise

it's a good day
it's a good day

dancing under the sunshine
another good day is waiting for you

dance

A Good Heart.

it costs you nothing to be an honest person.
it costs you nothing to be a loyal person.
it costs you nothing to be a faithful person.

it might cost you something to take a turn
it could be for better or worse

thing is,
you know what you want
and you fight for it
instead of playing and being indecisive
running here and there
not sure what you want for life
being afraid to start over
just because you wanted the safest mode

there's no guarantee in life
it is the taste of life
that it's not gonna be like all you planned
but it will make you to be a stronger fighter
and kind to others
and gentle with yourself

because you respect and appreciate life
because you celebrate good and peaceful hearts

don't hide everythings you thought
you could hide forever from anyone
it makes you like a robber

love does not hide.

we're getting older in each second
make up your damn mind.
the clock is ticking.
quit playing and say what you want.
quit looking for anyone who is available
for your entertainment
you cannot be like that forever.

it's not always all about you
we are human
we are social creatures
we all have hearts

don't take someone for granted.
never.
we're not young anymore.
you're still one of my favorite person to talk to.
though you never show any interest in my life.
hah.

baby, love yourself more than
anyone ever could love yourself
treat yourself good by treating others with respect

despite all the flaws and plotholes
i know there's good heart inside you.
i know you are a good person.

be brave.
be bold.
be honest.
stay shining like the sun.
don't hide it.

do yourself a favor
love yourself..
and all the good things will come along.

H.

🍃 p.s. planned it to be fit in 10 lines..here we are.

Honesty

we're not in a movie
we're unable to peek the script
..if there is one

whatever happens next
we will never know until it happens

i keep my self present
i am not hiding anything

the faintest voice inside my body
ask me to runaway as fast as i can

the magnetic field is so strong
i'd tried to back off
but you came closer every time
there was a big space and distance
i know you can feel the absence too

playing game is not my thing
i've said that it's not my job to make you
come clean

i'm sad that you still hide it until today
i appreciate you and i respect you

i do

but there's a biggest line between
secrecy and privacy..

i hope you are more honest
so you and i can set the boundaries
or even never set a scene at all

because now
it's so grey
and i cannot lift the sins

bruises everywhere
honesty and love are rare in this generation..

i can't set my step any further
i wish i can.
but i know it feels so wrong
i don't want to hurt anyone
i have a heart too and so do others

do you?

or do you like me this way?
making me feeling guilty all the time towards this sentiment and become your side dish?

i am not an option
i am not your "sometimes"
i am not your "just in case.."

though i still wanna share
a lot of things with you..

funny how universe works this way
keep giving me answers i never thought i'd need..

and i still wanna hear it from you
and not like this..

Sunrise and Sunset

she talks to the morning sky that
he's strong
he's powerful
he's fiery
he's energetic
he's the 6 am
that's him
the sunrise
her sunrise.

he talks to the afternoon sky that
she's vulnerable
she's lovely
she's calm
she's shy
she's the 6 pm
that's her
the sunset
his sunset.

but that was just a speck of dreams
behind a layer of a gate to different universe
different galaxy

he is waiting for her to show up
she is waiting for him to show up
they are both waiting
on different point of the compass

they're both waiting and thinking
they're just gonna waste it

again..

sunrise to sunset
sunset to sunrise
been on the loop

but it never came..

it's never gonna happen
until the sand inside the hourglass will stop
until the hourglass has no sound of running sand

they are running out of time
blowing up all the chances

and regret..
regret has been waiting
and giggling in the next door
ready to say hello and throw a party

for the dawn and the dusk..

Red Flags

Okay, we know this is not a new word. I want to talk about this.

Red Flags. 

It's a danger signs. Sign to show us that something is no good, threatening, and we need to stop there. No more one step forward. Stop. S T O P.

Speaking about Red Flags, it's not only happen in romantic relationship, but also in other types of connections - friendship, family, colleague, school. Anywhere.

Okay, I am gonna narrow this to relationship, but it's pretty much has the same concept.

Have you ever liked someone that you got blinded by their wrong doings and took it as an OK?

An OKAY but you know your gut is trembling and uncomfortable. Deep down, you know it's NOT okay. But you say, "Ah, it's only that. They can change." or something denial like, "Ah, that's not how they are. It's impossible. They are a good person. They love me. Blablabla" Deep down, you know you just made it okay to you.

 

I found that one of "common" red flag is when someone you are talking to, they never post about their circle, life with friends, or even family. NOT EVEN ONCE. They usually just post some cryptic photos, or not really interesting posts. To top that, you've been talking to this person for years. 

 

In this virtual worlds and not even once they share about it?!

Speaking about privacy and things, it's okay, that's a different matter. But you should put an alarm when there was never another body (no head/face shown) on their photos. And they post regularly. Like.. do you even have life?

All these years, the person actually have a significant other. I could tell they're in a long term one already. I was blown off by how well this person hide it. But I was more blown off about how this person's SO let this person never share anything about them. Sure their family know about them. The thing is, this person's SO have a regular post about them and not even once this person have interaction with the post. 

Social media is free. If the account is not locked, it's not invasive, right?

The other thing is... dun dun dun dun

This person definitely is talking to a lot of chicks. HAHA

I am pretty sure this person's SO doesn't even know. I mean if this person's SO put that much trust to that kind of person.. kinda dumb, I think. Moreover, they are in a Long Distance Relationship. If this person's SO care about their relationship, she'd keep an eye to the posts that got an unusual interaction (in a ... hmm how to explain this, you can feel the closeness of the commenter and the poster).

Or are they in an open relationship?

I could say no firmly. Why? Hmm, it's too harsh to explain this here.

When you're interested with someone, it's better to check out their pattern. Not in stalking way. Just them posting regular posts and you keep in mind what kinda persona they want to show to the world. If you're smart enough, you'll get it. You know, pattern never lies.

Do you wanna know what other pattern I catch?

The way they untagged photos of them when their SO post about their togetherness. *yeet*

If someone tag you in a photo, the tag of your name will be still shown in the original photo even though you've untagged your social media handle.

I think universe got my back. As always.

It's funny.

If not scared, why would they untag it like it's not something worth to share? It's kind of disrespectful to the SO, I think. It's not only happen once. So yeah. It's became a habit. Red flag.

I ain't even assume anymore, this person is scared that the persona they created will be ruined. The persona as a single person (who is actually taken..and in a long term relationship) and getting their ego strokes by different chicks. Worse.

It's kind of ridiculous to think that this person is in LDR mode, and still looking for chicks who are not in the same area with where they live. What are you looking for? Oh yeah, I forgot, as said...ego strokes.

 

When you like someone, anything about them you see with your hearty eyes is amazing and lovable. Excuses. You don’t see red flags through rose tinted glasses. They all become pink flags. 

 

Not setting boundaries is harmful. So harmful.

Don't let this kind of person fool you just because you like them so much. 

Run! 

 

Maybe you'll get to think, "Ah this is not they are. They can change." 

It's okay to think this way.. ONCE. But if it's becoming repetitive and you are still in denial but kind of knowing that you're right too (listen to your gut feeling!), I think it's okay to let go.

 

Well, let's remember this:

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

 

And no, you can't change someone.

Untitled

i can’t spend the rest of my life chasing you around
i am not even sure why i bother trying so hard
i cannot make the sun rise when i want it too
so that i can feel the warm sun on my icy heart

you're so good at blurring the line that
you've crossed
slowly undulating like waves to the shoreline
a light breeze flowing through your letters
seagulls trying to carry them away

the waves wash my feet to teleport me to reality

can you feel the sea breeze?

oh poor soul,
she thought it was gonna be just a phase

well..

fuck.

Ray of Sunshine

that's the kind of pride
like waterfall touching the rock
the moonlit glazing the lake
subtle as a fuschia pink jacket
glow in the dark of the night

scarlet paper airplane flying high
the favorite soundtrack playing backwards
going back to the start
sending to first beat

i put my broken heart back
since it was broken like bread crumbs
paint it golden
i barely hear it's beating

then you walk in..

a ray of light
my sunshine..
it's blinding
but blurry like a memory

pressing the play button
with the warmest touch

the tape starts playing the right track
we're dancing like no one is watching
while our world is falling apart
through the limitation

we're dancing until the clouds come in
telling us it was a sin

you belong to the clouds

the clouds hold you so tight

no more light
it's pitch black

Flame

two little dots of light
leaking from the window
that i cover with a thin layer of fabric

slowly disappear as the sun goes down

i told my self,
everything will come and go
and so does the curiosity

i was falling too deep
with something i barely know
in my sense
something i know
on invisible thing in the air
flying with dust

free.

i was too curious

then i hit the jackpot
from something unexpected
validate all those curiosity
answer all those midnight questions

i knew i had to do it.

now it's just empty void
not even interesting.

i either tamed the flame
or i just watered it
or buried it deep inside..

or it's just a change of heart.

Destiny

growing older
and still feel it inside

no fight back
panicking
fast heart beats
it still skips a beat

tell me how to runaway
packing all these things
getting it outside

cold feet
should've told this

the end is crystal clear
walking and pretending

because it is not
what
we
want
to
see..

i can't get it off my mind

Disclosure

after all these times
i haven't been able to get it right
the bravery go back to the start
all over again

how to untwist a handful of memento
to flatten the way it twists
so it doesn't pile up at one place
heavy and untreatable junk
unable to move

where do i start?
which one is the way?
how is this gonna meet the end?
why am i this way?

Invisibility Cloak

how's there?
are you alone?
are you still trying to figure out things?

when you're taking a break,
what are you doing?

may i give you a suggestion?
take a deep breath
go outside
even though it's early a.m
look up the sky.

when you're empty-staring,
what are you thinking?
what's there?
how are you feeling?
are you numb?
is there something you want to talk to?

i'm trying to get to know
what's inside your mind
with no need to get inside

i want to know
what you are talking about
when you're talking to yourself
when no one is watching you

because i guess
you're the type of person
who not really open about
what you feel or perceive
it's trapped there
inside you
just like how the rest of man
in this sphere globe do

should i take the invisibility cloak?

imagining this moment is lowkey scary
but i'm going to play
harry potter role instead

less scary, more comfortable, i think.

Fate is A Different Matter

i know it's not easy standing
on your feet independently
with all those moments
you have passed by

look at you now
stronger than ever

i admire you with all my heart

but my god,
you're the best and worst person
i never knew that i'd found comfort in you
i felt safe and calm
i could feel all my broken pieces
you stitched together
when you're by my side

you could be my man
you might be mine
if i was allowed to choose

if you still want to come back
i'd still gladly open my arms
i don't want to lose you anymore
i don't want you to run and hide
i want a good connection
where there's no barrier
is this wrong?

we're still human
but fate..

fate is a different matter

i beg for your forgiveness
for how i tie the rope
my mind seems so full
and this one is a dominant sparkle
it's you

god damn
so this is how it feels to have
a crush on someone
just to know it'd be literally crushed
by... fate?

4:36 AM

nerves inside my brain is having a party
hard hard hard party
curious how it is inside

it feels loud but i can't hear it
what is the dresscode?
which one is serving?
which one is the host?
how are they dancing?
is there any music?

all my body parts
seem to be one hundred percent
don't want to sleep yet
even though i'm tired actually

tossing and turning
inhale and exhale
black circles around my eyes
asking for help already

something inside my brain still party so damn hard..
it's 4:36 am

Anxious

i feel bad for myself
for not still that ready
to accept you've changed
in all of a sudden
in a blink of an eye

people change
and so do you

you've changed

that

much

everything is not the same anymore
you're very different now
i miss the old you
when you came out of the blue
just to say a simple hi or ask me anything
had random convos at midnight

i don't even know who you are now
when it's supposed to be
i've known you so much better than yesterday

i don't even know
if this is a 'leave me alone'
or 'i need time to think' or 'wait me on the other side' 'don't think about it ever again' kind of space

i am confused
so i whisper to myself
to take this slowly
and keep waiting,
don't rush.

i should've known what's wrong but
i can't pinpoint what went wrong
my anxiety dripping all over me
how am i still holding on?

i'm scared..

Walls

in this square room
i hide all my tears and excitement
best to worst

i turn off the light
i barely see the color of the walls now

these walls
hard as your shell
soft as your skin
cold as your emotion
warm as the air around you
dark as the sky that night

i'm projecting all those lights
on a biggest space on the wall
playing a tape of the flawless movement
i can't understand how it works this way
but this seems the only thing i need right now

frozen light in millions of colors is a past time
to be looked at the present
how i regret i weren't brave enough to ask to get a split second of it..

now the walls are laughing at me

Stay

i just want to let you know that
you're the reason why i've waited this long
walking through my days in these past years alone with hope you'll finally have guts to let it all out
because i took the hints, i guess

even after all these years
that i know and you know
we invest(ed) in it for so long
it grew gradually
it took time
we've done it in silence

i did notice when you were gone
i still learnt about you even when you hid in your furthest hut
but i knew you still cared and watched me from your hidings trying to leave no mark
i knew you did
you were ghosting

one thing that don't let me sleep lately
something convinced me that it was all one sided
that you didn't have any intention at all
that i took it the wrong way

and i won't lie
just the thought of it makes me sad
the way you made me feel never fade away

i was fine without you
when you chose to be gone
because the dose was not as much as today's dose
i tried to find other pills
to fill the void inside
but you know what?
my heart told me you'd come back
and i have to be patient

my heart was right.

ever since i took the chance
it's getting harder and harder
this is the worst phase
i don't know what i have to do
it seems to be too awkward now

i could just ignore you but again i won't lie, i am still not ready to lose you again

maybe i wanted it more than i should be
maybe we've invested in a wrong dimension
maybe we should never let each other anyone in
maybe it's me who still holding on while you've been far enough left it all behind in those pretty mandarin lights

now you're gone for a hundred times and i really don't like me this way..

Happy Pills

i saw some part of myself in you
curious and vulnerable
drowning into the deepest blue
mixing the colors inside
an intense feeling stitching the wound
slowly
such a secret

i was content, were you?

i gazed at every move you made carefully
i hoped you didn't notice
make sure i could revive it in the future
to warm my cold nights
to ignite the darkened skies
to spark your crystally mind
as i know you won't be here forever
as you can go away anytime without any warning
and never come back ever again

my happy pills.

i had to use it wisely
keeping it in silence
the safest drawers in my head
no one would ever know
no one would ever see

this time
i find it hard to revive it
it's cold
so cold

honey,
i'm starting to run out of my pills..

Before Sunrise

last night
i dreamt about you
but
you were sick
you were pale
i took care of you
i cooked for you
you were weak
but your smile were still the sincerest

us,
two fiery souls sought for peace
runaway from all the sadness and confusion
four brown eyes wrapped so damn fine
i watched yours dilated slowly and quitely
did you look the same thing happen on mine?

in that dream
i didn't walk away
neither did you
you were standing next to me
you held me close

i know
sunrise are going to steal it from me
but tonight
i'll send an invitation
to the nerves inside my brain
maybe it's kind enough to show you again
maybe you'll send me to sleep

don't you think it's black-hearted
to know
this is the only way now
i could reach you?

i wish you were here..

/ˈtaNGɡ(ə)ld/

she can't stop thinking about it
not this again, she doesn't want to
but her mind keeps echoing
that question
it bothers her so much
like lightning in sunny day

how she thought
it was such a flawless time
well, she thought..

she let her guard down
she knew he did too
she thought it was a terrific gate

after all this time,
she thought it was blooming
ready to be picked

if this is what it costs
then she shouldn't never press that button

if this is what it costs
she doesn't think
she'll ever be ready for this mess

and he knows that.

but he choosed to treat her like
a stranger

because he couldn't handle the truth
the bitter truth
he pushed it all away
he closed all the doors
he choosed to be invisible
doing the thing he master of

always.

and she..
she waits in the dark
she knows the truth hurts
she keeps her faith in him
she waits for him to give the light

maybe someday he'll change his mind
he'll change his mind to change her mind about him
she only needs his bravery
to start over to be the impossible
they both know

to the acceptance of the bitter truth
to face it hand in hand

in tranquility..

maybe in another life
things could be simpler

/ˈtravəstē/

that day,
she hold her watch so tight
kept questioning herself
not sure if she wanted to reset it

it seemed to tick slower
it seemed to tick faster

she knew
this day would come

but no one thought
it was gonna be this day

in silence
she peeled every damn layers
unveiled the warmth
for every single scratches

the audacity of confidence
the spark of the flakes of gold
the laughter, softer than a silk
the soul spark brightly brighter than a sun
the closeness of the colliding worlds

it intensified

she was convinced

it was colliding

an awakening of the angst
the most durable angst
they kept for years

the clock stopped ticking
for no one knows how long
days?
months?
years?
forever?

nothing.
it just stopped
just like that

ever since that day
sky tinted the faint hearts blue
as blue as the color of sky that day
as the sun went down

if that was it,
then why does she still have that faith?
then why does she still need reassurance?
then why is she still in love with the sharpest mind?

-

she sits in the corner

still waiting the clock to tick again
still holding on
still holding...on

she is still h o l d i n g  o n...

hoping it'd tick again..

would you make it tick again?

for·ti·tude

those shadows
the shapes
the ambience
dark
calmy orange
the currents
they were running
no one knew what they chased for

the golden hour
painting the stars slowly
on a single layer

photographed it inside my head
developed in my darkest space
in motions with the safest lights

it's flickering..

Good Times

last summer
where it started to begin

someone entered an mysterious cloud

it was white
it was blue
it was green
It was brown

remarkable

such a good friend
sail through the oceans
in a world flying in the air

they were free
free as birds

felt so right
felt so nice
good times

swiftly
she thought something's wrong
and it's not right
too many questions
too many what-if s

no one could stop it
it's stronger and stronger over time

she decided to stop herself instead
she sailed to different direction

deep down inside her heart,
she wished she could go back
she know it'd never be the same

has she lost all of it for good?

Gray

gave it another breath
a fresh start

just to finally know it's going to be wasted
just to finally know how it get wasted
again

reassurance without reassurance

who knows that
comfortable silent is really that too overrated
and disappointment actually has a name..

The Unfortunate Ones

brain keeps rewinding that moment and that question.
everyday.

reliving the sound of disappointment in the air.
the sigh.
the tune.

recalling the moment once again.
the absence of eye contact.
turning the head right.

gulp

gave an answer not to answer.

could hear the heart breaks living
in that question..
could hear it screaming
jumping into the water..
hopelessly.

in this mad and cruel world
they're the chosen ones

they're chosed
to be the unfortunate ones

two fool souls
stuck in between
"in love" and "heartbreaks"

strange,
one of the poor souls
have decided to go in silence ever since
as it was nothing at all..

the other poor soul
have missed the soul who lightened
the whole universe
in the heart..

What do we do?

no one told us
how it's going to be
how to avoid it
how it comes
how it ends

checking it a hundred times
looking left or right

no direction

stuck with the same map
old and lame map

looking back at
the time and the moment
we couldn't go back

trying to figure out the lead
the clues

nothing.

or

are we just trying to pretend
to stop moving forward?

are we trying to cherish
every moment we could
before they find out us the lost ones?

before the same old lame map
in all of sudden have direction?

direction to the eternal exit..

to the exit we know we'd never want..