FOTO VS ASLI

Zaman sekarang siapa yang tidak suka berpose di depan kamera? Berfoto bersama teman-teman atau sekedar selfie. Termasuk saya.

Jika melihat galeri hp, hanya foto selfie saya yang lebih banyak daripada bersama teman-teman. Bukannya tidak memiliki teman, tapi teman-teman saya tidak terlalu suka (sering) berfoto. Sepertinya begitu.

Tidak terhitung rasanya jumlah foto selfie saya di hp atau di komputer. Katanya terlalu banyak selfie adalah tanda 'insecure'. Kalau ditanya benar apa tidak, bagi saya sepertinya benar. Entah untuk orang lain.

Saya adalah orang yang 'insecure'. I don't hate my self. There's something like a part of my body I want to throw away but I don't know what it is. Terutama ketika berada di depan orang banyak. Padahal saya tidak kenal dengar orang-orang yang ada di keramaian itu.

Terlalu peduli dengan detail apapun hingga yang tidak ada pun kadang menjadi di'ada'kan.
Menurut mereka, saya tampilannya bagaimana?
Baju saya cocok tidak ya?
Apa saya terlihat kusam?Padahal mungkin sebenarnya mereka tidak memperhatikan sama sekali.

Setelah menyukai kegiatan selfie ini, saya melihat perubahan dari masa ke masa perubahan wajah saya termasuk yang signifikan setelah menggunakan kawat gigi. Saya harus mengakui ketika saya selfie, hasilnya bagus. Saya suka. Orang-orang suka.

Tetapi saya tetap tidak percaya diri di depan umum. Dosen saya pernah bilang,"Kamu cantik banget di foto. Beda kalau lihat langsung ya." Saya senang tapi tidak enak. Beliau menyambung kata-katanya,"Kamu fotojenik." (Apakah maksudnya kamu cantik di foto tapi jelek di dunia nyata) Hehe saya hanya senyum-senyum saja. Selama ini saya pikir feed saya tidak diperhatikan oleh beliau.

Ternyata apa yang selama ini saya amati pada diri sendiri diamati begitu juga oleh orang lain.
Salah kamera nya? Katanya sih kamera dan cermin emang suka 'nipu'.
Salah edit nya? Nggak. Soalnya kalau posting foto selfie jarang di-edit.
Salah muka saya? Atau karena saya tahu angle yang pas buat saya sendiri? Mungkin.

Apapun itu, tetap membuat saya tidak percaya diri. Saya maunya terlihat enak dipandang juga pada keadaan asli bukan sekedar di foto.

Mungkin bagi sebagian orang, postingan kali ini terlihat 'kepedean'. Tidak apa. Saya juga bingung, kenapa bisa bagus di foto, aslinya nggak. Saya sedih. Benaran.

Sekarang saya sudah jarang selfie. Saya merasa tidak perlu keren. Tetapi kadang cemburu lihat orang yang cantik-cantik di instagram. Cuma selfie doang, dapat like 100ribu haha.

Sekarang maunya karya saja yang dikenal orang. Wajah? Biarlah mereka menyukai dan mengahargai saat bertemu langsung. Saya menyadari bahwa kecantikan di dunia maya itu semu. Terlihat nyata di balik layar smartphone, ternyata berbeda di dunia nyata.

Tidak jarang juga sih ada yang cantik di foto, cantik di dunia nyata. Tetapi seseorang pernah bilang ke saya, kalau setiap orang punya kekurangan masing-masing mau secantik atau sekaya apapun dia.

"Tidak ada manusia yang sempurna, ra."

COME BACK

Whoa, I am so passive on blog lately. I could tell you because I had a new smartphone which simply made a magnet to my hand.
In these few days I have been thinking of blogging again!
Of course I can do it on my phone, right? Just need a application. I have it. The truth is I don't find any joy typing this long on small screen. Dictation using voice is good but you always need to check the grammar over and over again.

I want to share some good news that happened to me.

• ME AND MY BROTHERS WENT TO ONE DIRECTION CONCERT! OH MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT BECAME A REALITY! THANK YOU TO MY PARENTS! It happened on last minutes! I promise I will share a story of it! So much sacrifice. Haha

• My favorite author "surprised" me with a photo tag on instagram! I posted a Supernova by Dewi "Dee" Lestari like 5 or 8 weeks ago before she tagged me. She press the love button on that collage book, and we had a mini convo on my instagram! THAT MADE MY DAY! She literally kept my photo! The one I took with my new phone! *blushing*

• I also drew her beautiful daughter Atisha. She is so beautiful and has a peaceful eyes! She's going to be a good girl in life! Dee and his husband said thank you. Hi Atisha!

• I was one of a winner of mini quiz on twitter. Not a first place. Haha! It is called #kuisgambartehnit2. I need to submit my panorama painting. I got bunch of coffee! I am going to try drinking it! So many variant of regional coffee in Indonesia.

• Still about a painting stuff.. One fine night as I scrolling over my instagram, my favorite illustrator on instagram @elfandiary posted a sketch of a beautiful woman called Susan Sarandon. I read the caption. Oh I see.. he did that to spread the words to his followers to join a #seleksiklinikjkt of an Artist dr.Rudolfo's workshop. I didn't know it was a workshop but I drew Susan Sarandon, put the hashtag and mentioned the artist. It need like 6 weeks to announce the people dr.Rudolfo chose to join his workshop. So surprised and truely unexpectedly, I got my name there! I AM SO EXCITED! It's like my new phase on painting world has begun! It held on next week! hmm 2 weeks later I guess. Actually, I have to pay like $50 to do a register. Pretty expensive for an amateur like me. I still re-think about it even though my parents allowed me. hmm

• Next month, my internship on high school as a teacher will be over! YAY! I got an experience since I do it on Last January. It cost a lot money on farewell and stuff, also. Buy this buy that for good.

• I think I need to go home soon to charge my energy, come back to mom and dad's arm to fulfill my will to graduate soon. Not this year. (I am on a phase where everybody ask "when do you graduate?" I know that feels now. It's super annoying you know.) So for those who asking me, I will say "not this year", thanks!

ah, don't forget to follow my visual diary on instagram @herahutajulu if you like! I am very grateful that universe teach me this and that.  See ya!