Virtual: Instagram

Instagram keeps working on its app so people would not mind to spend their time on the app.

Some new feature rolled out every month. I think it's safe to say every month, twice in a month. It's great. They really do a good job.

New Highlight feature for Instagram Story? Oh, I like that.

All I know before that was the business account can see their 2 weeks old story on their insight page. Of course if the user don't delete it in 24 hours. The highlight feature is nice, it revive the memory. You can choose which one you need to revive. It showed up as a circle under the bio on profile. It feels like an Album.

Most online shop now use that feature to make the customer tap the product based on model or category easily. I find that helpful.

That's that.

I actually want to write about Instagram Story and people's posts as a whole.

As someone who like visual stuff, Instagram is a safe place for me. Spending time to scroll down the picture beautifully or just another bad angle pics taken, read the long caption or just simple caption, laughing at relatable memes account that's mostly reposted from twitter (twitter is another safe place for me -- let's talk about it later), watching people's instagram story.

I used to be more expressive to the people's posts. I liked a lot. I watched a lot.

Until one fine day early November 2017, make me stop those activities. No likes at all. No likes for everyone. One month later, I took a step forward to not watching people's story.

Trust me, it's hard than it sounds. It's so hard. I was used to it, I feel bad not send them likes or watching their story, especially when I like those posts so much. I had never skipped anyone's stories, I never swiped away if there's a long streak. I want them to have a good day or get a better day if they just shared about a bad day.

Oh that's beautiful rainbow colors circle! It's a full of surprise circle.

I wishfully thinking they don't hate me with the thought in their head that I don't care about them enough, if they care who's seen or liked their posts.

I even don't visit people's profile in this lowkey hiatus. Wow, I did that.

I still do comment and post though. Comment without likes, even though sometimes it feels like there's a void there. Incomplete. You know.

Oh I still do my Instagram story too. Just so I can save them on that site and can revive it someday. A cancerian and its attachment with things, probably.

I don't know why this virtual life become too close to our reality because we're getting used to it now and depending on it like if it's some kind of 'you detach you lose, bitch.' game.

We fell for the idea of it.
We got lost in it.

Sure it's a fine place.
Just like how Pinocchio fell for that 'happy and fun' place.

We also fell for the idea of people in it based on what they've shared, their reaction, their interest. The people we only see via app, inside the screen, interconnected in the cloud somewhere, never see each other in real life.

Never heard their sound, never seen their eyes, never done skin to skin contact such as shake hands during a proper introduction, yet we felt like we've known them for years with all the gathered information we got based on what their posts.

If we take a moment and then realize it's only a split seconds of their daily life behind the screen. Split seconds.

Crazy, isn't it?

How far does the virtual world take us to elaborate it to reality?

What's next?

We can smell food via app?

Anyway..
I feel like I need to break this new habit once because hell..I don't even know what's people up to in their life considering I live alone and human is a social creature. I need to hmmm socialize more. Social creature needs love and other social creature to stay alive and awake.

Nowadays, having a social interaction via virtual is so normalized that it sounds so weird when you're not doing it in this economy.

We found love in the hopeless place.

Again,

Crazy, isn't it?

Acceptance

I am slowly learning that I cannot control anything outside my body.

I am slowly learning how to accept all the chaos in my life,

accept that most people come and go.

I can't fight fate.

Some may stay to be my guide and friends for the rest of my life.

Some come and go to teach me how to be stronger.

Some people that suddenly came into my life either stay or just go.

Some come and go to give me some love just to remind me how it feels to be loved again.

Some come and go to let me know how it feels to be broken again,
to pick up every broken pieces,
or just simply leave it scattered all round.

A mess.

Some people give you space.

They share the warmest feeling even though little did I know
I was just for killing their time with.

Classic.

People come and go.

They either come clean or dirty.

I am slowly learning it's not my job to cleanse it.

I wouldn't ask them about their secret.

Secrets they've been hiding that growing to be a bigger barrier.

They come like nothing in their hands.

It's their right to share or keep it.

Honesty.

And the same person can come and go
And come..
And go..
And come..

Floating in my life.

Being a part of the mess I could not pick up and keep even though I've waited their presence for so long.

Some people just leave me there wondering
Did they ever want me in their life?
Did they just come to have fun?
Did they just... blablabla

Messing with my head.
Until I can't feel anything anymore.
Numb.

Sigh.

I am slowly learning that
The only thing I can control is myself.
How I react to all these mess.

I take things personal because I never would've done the same to you.

Because honey,
I don't play games.

But one thing for sure, I am so happy for your existence.

I am happy you came into my life
I am so happy for you
And your future
And every good things that will be coming into your days

I really am.

You made my 2017 so much better than I ever could imagine.

Do you realize that?

Thank you.

All the loves,

H.

Change

Last November, I finally went home after 2,5 years. The longest time.

I've always been that person who miss home everyday. Is it safe to say every second? Haha.

Genuinely, I planned to be there at home only for one week after my cousin's wedding, which end up 3 weeks.

Now that I am back to Jakarta. It's been 1 week.

I don't know what but I felt something missing when I went home.

It's just so different, - i hate to say this - in a bad way. My body was at home but my soul was in Jakarta, in my room.

Probably because I didn't really come home, not living at our 'home'. 3 weeks I were there, we never slept at home. We lived at our shop. It's our house too, i just don't get attached to it i think. It didn't feel like 'home'.

You know what I mean.

I thought that feeling happened just for early days but no.. it was still there even until I got into plane to Jakarta. It's weird.

I didn't get sad like I used to everytime I went home. Not in a second I got it this time. I am glad.

I also *finally* touched and played keyboard at home. 24 years..I never played our keyboard. I love it. With a little theory I got in mind - thanks internet! - I looked for it years ago when I downloaded a piano app on my tablet, it's limited keys-- I can play basic now. I am proud to say I am a beginner. Yay!

My impulsive self really made an order to buy a keyboard after I arrived at room in Jakarta. My first keyboard, I love her so far. I named her, Raelee. It's an entry level keyboard by Yamaha. Sst don't tell my parents! 😂 -- even though i bought her with my own money.

Ah..

I planned to back home this Christmas too. My dad told me to go home too. I don't know, holiday season is crazy. But I've already missed 6 Christmas and New Years with my family.

What the.. haha.

Maybe.. this time it'll change to how it used to be.

The feeling.

Home.

Homey.

Creatures of Emotion

Craving. Thirsty. Sweat.

Getting used to all the chaos. Who's going to win the race?

A greedy beings, full of complicated threads. Twisting and twisted.

A moment.
Moments.

A desire for something taken.

Stay for a little longer.

Looking for another open gate.

Looking for another brighter path.

A crystal clear view.

Trying to find the way to the exit.

Tempted by the blowing winds.

Moved by a handful of words that fed it.

Addicted to the excitement.

Reaching the milestone. Progressive.

Stay a little longer.

Stay.

Go.

Stay.

Go.

Stay.

Go.

Bleeding. Broken. Bleeding. Broken.

Back and forth.

A heartless mind.
A mindless heart.

Irrational. Illogical.

The mindless heart always win.

An irrational and illogical bitch.

A winner and a loser.

Cruel.

Gray Hairs

One fine afternoon, I had a conversation with a friend who lives in the same house with me. I tucked my hair behind my left ear and she was kind of shock and excited "hey you have a white hair! Let me pluck it for you!"

She was so ready to pluck it and I said,"Hey chill. Let it be. That's okay."

"Why?" She said.
I didn't answer that question,"I also have another one here." I showed her another white hair on my head near my forehead.

"But why?" She was confused.

"I like it and I don't want to pluck it. I really like it."

-

Should I call this White Hair instead of Gray Hair? Because mine is white. It's really white and not a mixed black-white. I'll keep the title "Gray Hairs" though.

I'm going to use 'white' in this post.

As a 24-year-old woman, I don't find it as a bad thing. Also, this is not like the first time I noticed it. I am pretty sure I still have other white hairs on the back of my head because even you pluck it, its follicle still produce the same hair. :P

My youngest brother is different, he started to have his white hairs which is a lot in his teenage life. Like a lot. Not full of white hair, but it's a lot. He's not confident enough to have it. Not once or twice he tried to tell me he wanted to dye his hair.

I always tell him, "No. Just let it be. You look good with it. It looks nice on you."

I always brush his hair back and forth with my fingers whenever I have a chance, to see his white hairs and his "no sis it doesn't look good on me please" face hahaha

Big chance is he got it from my dad. My dad also already had his white hair early on his 30s. When I was 5 years old -- my dad was 36 at the moment, I've already refused my father's choice to dye his hair black to hide his white hair. He said, he looks younger when he dyed his hair. Dad, please.

Until now, he is 55, he still doesn't like his white hair.

And until now too, I still can't convince my dad to not dye his hair black. He looks good with his white hair -- once he was kinda late to dye his hair haha.

I don't like it when his dyed hairs starting to scream, if it can talk, it'd scream," RE-DYE US PLEASE LIKE RIGHT NOW WE ARE NOT LOOK GOOD ANYMORE."

Honestly, dying his hair black made him looks older not younger.

I like that when a man who has gray hair doesn't give a f with his gray/white hair especially in his mid age. They show some confidence and look so much more attractive and different in a good way. Honestly.

And when they are older -- let's say 45+ --and still have that energy -- you know the positive vibes, they really look so much younger.

In the end, we all are going to have white hairs anyway. We all are aging each seconds.

Don't pluck it. It will grow the same.
Don't dye it. It looks good on you. It really is.

I'll post a picture of my white hair tomorrow. If I remember..

Attachment

Are you one of those person who is clingy and at the same time push people away? I am.

I love people. I love having friends. Small circle. I love having a connection with them. I don't know, it makes me feel secure. Like there is a big wall around me, wrap me and it feels so warm and nice protection.I do not want to lose people. I know they're going to stay.

It grows fast. The connection. As the times go, I become so clingy and need them more, not necessarily their physical body, but how they doing, are they okay or what. Reassurance.

No, it's not possessive. It is anxiety screaming. I feel so anxious everytime the person I care suddenly disappear without any warning, worse.. for weeks. That's honestly because I care.

I could not stop thinking about it, the worse scenario always come first, in my head.

I don't want to hurt people by my clinginess. I know they need some space, even though I am not really that clingy and still give them space because I am not confident to ask most of the times. Wishing they know which they won't because it's not a guessing contest.

When I feel that my clinginess starting to disturb myself by my brain which told me I make people uncomfortable, I detach and disassociate myself from people. Shut down. I don't talk to anyone. This is what happens everytime my mood swings say hello in seconds.

I need to be alone but I hate to be alone.

I know it's wrong. So wrong. Some of them say my neediness doesn't bother them at all, they're happy that I need them, but in my head I bother them a lot. I don't want to hurt them.

I am sorry if I pushed any of you away.

I am so scared to lose them but I always do it so I feel I don't need to hurt them any further. But I don't want to lose them..

Once I saw a quote "The need for reassurance makes you invisible"

Sadly, it's true.

If you feel uncomfortable reading this, then I have news for you.

But I know some people there will understand. That physicologist says for this type of person, they need someone who is different from this type of person, secure about attachment style, responsive, and sensitive to what this kind of person need and experienced, and willing to work with this type of person on it.

This one task need to get accomplished: Stop Pushing People Away. I am still working on it.

If I always push people away, how could I let someone who will understand in?

Puzzle

I remember when I say I don't want to be in it again because I am tired of feeling it alone. Feelings are something you need to share. Sad and Happy. Through thick and thin or ups and downs. Questions that have answers.

Never in my wildest dream I face this thing that completely unknown. Puzzles that I didn't buy at the shop. Game that I don't like to play but intrigued by its mysteriousness and monster in my mind to solve it even though I know I could never solve it any faster because there's always a missing piece in the owner's hand. I keep doing it..

In my head, I do everything right but every night before I go to sleep I always ask what did I do wrong. All of the why-s. All of the what if-s. All of the confusion. I can't find the answer anywhere but there, the puzzle.

I am not able to sleep properly. I sleep at 5 am everyday. I wake up early.

The first thing on my mind after I wake up is the puzzle. The last thing I think about before falling asleep is the same puzzle. I am thinking about it all day.

I don't like doing second guessing but I feel like I need to do it to fix my broken mind temporary. Or ruin it even more, unintentionally.

Sudden silence.
Sudden laughter.
Sudden happiness.
Sudden sadness.
Sudden confusion.
Sudden smiling.

Anxious.

Probably the answers are there wide open and I am just too dumb to notice,pick, and read it.

My broken mind keep telling the words "a fool".
My broken heart keep telling the words "keep going".

I feel conflicted.