Hi, how are you all? How are you feeling?
I hope you doing fine, wherever you are. Whatever you're currently doing.
So, how's the pandemic been treating you all?
It's been a crazy year, huh? Oh sorry, years.. with s. Almost two years now.
That's nuts.
I guess this is gonna be another story time. I love story time!
March 2020.
It's all began there.
Anxious. Panic. Terrified. It was almost like an apocalypse. Never did I imagine all people around—ALL—experience this at the same time. Pandemic.
We are all terrified of things that isn't even visible to the naked eyes. We should. I mean if you are human beings who are believe in science, YOU should be feeling terrified when this invisible virus make the worlds suddenly stop.
Who would've thought we are gonna experience all of these—no flights allowed for months, stay at home, no work from office unless you're essential workers, and the craziest thing.. no schools are open. Literally, no school are open for a long period of time, all around the world. Like..what?!
But we have to. So, we're and can be safe.
People started to working from home, spending more time with their family with/out obstacles. Some people feel happier they can do whatever they can't do pre-pandemic, they feel they have more time now. Some people feel suffocated and experience cabin fever. Understandable, for sure.
Who are you spending your time with at home during pandemic?
It's been 19 months of this pandemic.
As a hardcore homebody, I had no big deal to spend more time at home. Alone. I can do my things, like common days pre-pandemic. That's my life.
In 2020, as I mentioned on my last post—8 months in pandemic—on New Year's Eve, I was doing fine. I was working on myself, my well-being—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Everything was great. Excellent.
I literally spent it alone during that year. Do you want to know how many times I went out in 2020? By going out, I meant the time I would use any kind of transportation to other place.
Once. One time.
It was in September 2020, to meet my brother on his birthday, at their place. I spent 5-6 hours with them that day. It was nice. I got to hug and talked to them eye to eye after a very long time not catching up. We met in Feb 2020 before this. We usually catch up every month or so. This was the longest time we hadn't met each other in our entire life that time. 7 months. Sigh.
Physically, I met 4 people during March - December 2020.
My brothers (Sep 2020), one of my best friend who visited me in my place (Nov 2020), my new friend who I accompanied looking for a new place to live (Nov 2020).
The one who I had contact physically were only my brothers. Skin to skin. I was so alienated during this pandemic. As someone whose love language is physical touch and quality time, this pandemic has robbed that from me. It felt good to have a human contact again. Not that I was so desperate for human touch, but I was glad I was in touch with human again. If I was that desperate, I'd ask just anyone who tried to approach me in 2020 to touch me. Ok, I am not that kind of gal.
During my friend's visit, we practiced physical distancing, in my room. It was so weird. We had a good time though, we hadn't met for two years that time. The last time we met was on my birthday in 2018. I've missed her so much—we haven't met again ever since. We hugged each other when she's about to depart. No skin to skin. She wore a long sleeves that day. I was glad we met, she always understands me. She understands that I am so paranoid during this uncertain times. Thank you!
During my 'trip'—as if it was far from my place hahaha—with a new friend to accompany her looking for a new place to live, we walked side by side, definitely. With mask on. Definitely. How come I accompanied a new friend looking for her new place in the mid of pandemic? A new friend? Hera with a new friend? Unhealthy Hera before pandemic would be in shock if they knew this healthier Hera. Hahaha. Anyways, it was a fun time accompanying her. Oh, and that time, we went to a new McDonalds to grab some foods. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA that there was a new McDonalds building near my place. That's how long I hadn't gone out 'faraway' from home. By faraway, it's literally near my campus. Near my place. Hahaha wtf!
The last time I remember about that place—before new building, it was still a site with borders here and there, with no sign ready for new building. Ok, Hera, it's 9 months in pandemic, anything can happen, including this new building.
Let me tell you about the time when I visited this new building of this fast food chain. It felt..strange. I felt like an alien who just arrived on Earth and was trying the earthlings' foods. I literally had spent so much time at only home to ever get to experience this thing again—red: like window shopping in this kind of building. It's so strange and... unsafe. There was no people buying at the time, thankfully and fortunately. We can go in and out in minutes, because I didn't want to spend more time in public indoors. Anxious.
That's my human contact in 2020. Human contact for this was counted as skin-to-skin and/or talking in full convorsations—eye to eye—for more than 1 minute. Yep, for more than 1 minutes.
How was I surviving that year? Looking back, I didn't go out, I only tended my plants, illustrated and stuff, decluttered my things, did chores daily, played instruments, worked out daily, talked to stray cats who frequently visits me—Eeeh I meant the time it's their dinner time, and oh, talked to my friends in virtual world—because it's the normalcy during this stay-at-home.
Many doubt that I never really go out and they were quite surprised how I was able to stay at home all the time. Sorry, but don't project your lack of self-control onto me hahaha. My self-control is out of this world and I can win any race in this field. Hahaha. Ok, this is legit my friend's testimonial of me.
If I say I won't go out, then I won't. If I say I want to meet, then that means I really want to meet. All the things that come out from my mouth, it takes countless of big pictures in my head to finalize my decision, to vocalize and verbalize it. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. If I haven't said anything about it yet, that means I am still thinking each possibilities. Safety first in all aspect it's gonna affect.
I'd say, my first year in pandemic was excellent for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. First year, that means March 2020 - March 2021. I had zero problem, as exception for lack of human touch. Oh wait, speaking of human touch in the first year, even touching cashier hand by accident during payment and changes was pretty.. non-existent. Insanity.
Reconnecting with my inner self was the main core of my solitude that time. I truly can have my peace. No busy noise inside my mind nor environment I live in. It's serene. Peaceful. Even when I look at pictures I took during that time now, I was so much happier. No emotional baggage. I can see it on my face on all of those pictures.
I was happy, at ease, and at peace.
Should we move on to March 2021 a.k.a sophomore year of pandemic?
It sucks.
Early March 2021, I was okay, I was happy, I felt loved, I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt cared for and about.
But that only happened for a short time.
I've been crying every day since April 2021.
Hera? Crying? Every day? Since when that happen? I've never really cried like that. If anything, I cried during emotional moments or sad movies only, that's it. Other than that, I never cried over personal things in all that seriousness. Even in 2020, I didn't cry at all for personal matter—I didn't have very much human contact either, so probably that's why.
No, I wasn't feeling lonely and empty. Bold and underlined this. I was content before all of this.
These has been terrible months. I wished I am joking right now, but that's true, I've been crying every single day, exception 1-12 Sep 2021. See? I can even count how many times I didn't cry because that was liberating and small win of the day. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Who the fuck was that the one who's crying every day? Even during my hardest time 2016-2018, I never cried—I am not proud of this. I felt so numb those time though. So.. yeah.
Now that I am still in my healing journey, I said I have to embrace every feelings that I happen to experience. I get to process it and not dismiss it. Any of it. I've never thought it would be this chaotic and spiraling. I think this is too much to handle with no one to lean on by my side. Maybe because this is my first time. The first time I really let someone fully in when they're knocking at my door. Now, it's just all sadness. I keep missing it. I keep missing the moments and the person. Thinking and wondering where did it go all wrong. In repeat.
I can't wrap my head around the fact that they said they're not gonna change their view of me after what I told them and then behaved differently the next day. They turned their back. Just..like..that.
Earlier of those months be like:
Crying while eating my dinner?
Crying while taking showers?
Crying while just woke up?
Crying while just laying in bed?
Crying while just doing my works?
Crying while just scrolling my screen?
Crying while listening to happy song?
Crying while working out?
Crying while walking at night outside?
It's all effortless..in a bad way. My tears would just come out seconds after thinking about it. Chest feel suffocated and itchy like some sharp stuff been squeezing and hijacking my heart. Nose suddenly feel stuffed and hard to breathe. Eyes got teary here and there.
Been a weird period of times. I am feeling so weak and helpless. Even my secure attachment style only does a little help this time. I still cry every now and then, like those earlier months.
I've been trying to be strong and doing other things so I don't think about it. But when the night comes and all silence, it all comes out again. The tears.
Since that day, I haven't been able to sleep with lights off as usual. I am unable to sleep alone with the lights off. Now, every time the lights off, I feel terrified because that moments would keep replaying in my head. It's been living in my head rent free. I don't even really go online on that green messenger anymore for months now. I feel scared.
People said, no response is a response. But heck, be responsible and mature for what you've started. I'd rather be told "I don't like you. I don't need you anymore. Get out of my life. Fuck off!" than be treated with silent treatment with countless ambiguity, all in a sudden. Don't need to be told they're busy when I know they really are, but deep down I know that's not the main reason. I already know they just don't want to talk anymore and been talking to multiple people ever since. Have the guts and audacity to say it. Verbalize it like when they insisted on wanting me by their side. Sigh.
If I know the person for one day only, I'd just be careless for whatever the outcome, or even if it's a week, or a month. Half a year is not just a time passing by. I value my time and people I deeply care for. Not that it should be this and that in the end, I live in the present and in the moment, try to be conscious and mindful, and I cherish for what's happening. I value whatever we were doing and whatever it was. Being human. Human in a connection.
This is what it costs to be a human with a feeling?
I am not blaming the person. I am not blaming myself either. I value the person and the time we spent together. I love those moments—every seconds of it—and I am grateful for anything what happened that time ever since I know the person. I don't need this one become a new wound after I healed my oldest one for the last stage, especially with the person's help.
I feel sad and in despair, and think this is so unfair. I need clarity. Being a demi and finally got someone on that right spot—it was just so..right, that I can't even resist—which is a rare occurrence then suddenly this happened—by rare I mean for the first time in 27 years I live on this earth—, it's..I got no right word to describe it.
I stopped there—well I've stopped a long time ago and only talked to the person—and apparently they keep wandering after that time. Why would I keep looking anymore when I already feel content with only one person? Was that a wrong step on my part? Maybe the person didn't feel as content as I was, in each other companionship. Is that true? Sigh. This made me feel like I am not good enough. How could they be so okay doing this? Long sigh.
My repair attempt seems being rejected. I had no clue. I HAVE no clue.
I still want it to be on a good term. I guess I am still waiting. I guess?
God damn, this hurts.
—
Year in Review for 2021 is gonna be a train wreck.
Fuck.
