Are you one of those person who is clingy and at the same time push people away? I am.
I love people. I love having friends. Small circle. I love having a connection with them. I don't know, it makes me feel secure. Like there is a big wall around me, wrap me and it feels so warm and nice protection.I do not want to lose people. I know they're going to stay.
It grows fast. The connection. As the times go, I become so clingy and need them more, not necessarily their physical body, but how they doing, are they okay or what. Reassurance.
No, it's not possessive. It is anxiety screaming. I feel so anxious everytime the person I care suddenly disappear without any warning, worse.. for weeks. That's honestly because I care.
I could not stop thinking about it, the worse scenario always come first, in my head.
I don't want to hurt people by my clinginess. I know they need some space, even though I am not really that clingy and still give them space because I am not confident to ask most of the times. Wishing they know which they won't because it's not a guessing contest.
When I feel that my clinginess starting to disturb myself by my brain which told me I make people uncomfortable, I detach and disassociate myself from people. Shut down. I don't talk to anyone. This is what happens everytime my mood swings say hello in seconds.
I need to be alone but I hate to be alone.
I know it's wrong. So wrong. Some of them say my neediness doesn't bother them at all, they're happy that I need them, but in my head I bother them a lot. I don't want to hurt them.
I am sorry if I pushed any of you away.
I am so scared to lose them but I always do it so I feel I don't need to hurt them any further. But I don't want to lose them..
Once I saw a quote "The need for reassurance makes you invisible"
Sadly, it's true.
If you feel uncomfortable reading this, then I have news for you.
But I know some people there will understand. That physicologist says for this type of person, they need someone who is different from this type of person, secure about attachment style, responsive, and sensitive to what this kind of person need and experienced, and willing to work with this type of person on it.
This one task need to get accomplished: Stop Pushing People Away. I am still working on it.
If I always push people away, how could I let someone who will understand in?
