2022: Self-Discovery and Self-Compassion

Please, come back later, she's still typing and reflecting. This post is gonna be another long post.

See you later!

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2021: First Kiss and A Year of Sadness

What a year!

It truly felt like a roller coaster ride. A numerous highs and lows, ups and downs—with the downs took a big chunk of it.

I should have seen this coming when the beginning year of 2021 started with confusion. Maybe I have seen it but was too naive to think it's not gonna be this kind of ride.

In retrospect, 2021 was pushing me too hard under the water. It didn't let me to see the blue sky all year long. It didn't let me catch a breath.

But 2021 really had me grieving throughout the year. I was not in my best. At all. I didn't want to go home this year after what happened to me. I lost my Bapak Tua (my father's older brother) in November 2021, the one who is so kind and loving to me, and the one who gave me money to buy my first elementary school backpack. I still remember the backpack I chose when my father accompanied me buying it at the town. My heart broke when I heard the news. Gloomy day.

I also had the loneliest birthday ever. I am not the type of person who 'celebrate' birthday, but I think it's nice to have people you love.. to remember your birthday especially your closest ones. This year, this is the first time ever I didn't get video call birthday from my family at midnight. I was waiting..waiting..waiting until 5 am before I fell asleep. HAHA. They said they forget. Sigh. None of them 4 (parents and brothers) remember it until morning/noon. I don't think I ever missed anyone's (my loved ones and best friends) birthday. I thought my 8th birthday would be the last time they ever forgot my birthday. I didn't tell them until the next day at the time. Birthday is meaningful to me. I appreciate the day. I don't even ask for gifts or whatsoever, I only want their presence and to be..remembered, I guess. It's special day to me because I don't have anyone else on my birthday—friends. Also, I used to share a same birthday with a kid near my place. In the afternoon of the day, I used to hear them (the kid's family and friends, I suppose) singing happy birthday. I sang along. This year, I didn't hear anything. Did they move out? Does the kid not want any celebration anymore?

All my life, my birthday was during school and university holidays, so I never really got birthday wishes from my friends—in real life. Oh, except on my 17th birthday (first day after school break, 3 of my best friends surprised me with some sweet chocolates), 22nd birthday (3 of my uni friends surprised me after they dropped me home post-internship day), 23rd birthday (I invited 3 of my friends to celebrate it with me), 25th birthday (2 of my best friends came to surprise me at my place). I am so thankful for them.

I am grateful that the 2021 birthday, people wished my happy birthdays on my annual Instagram post, somehow this year I got a lot wishes even from people I am not even close to. Also, I used to share a same birthday with a kid near my place. In the afternoon of the day, I used to hear them (the kid's family and friends, I suppose) singing happy birthday. I sang along. This year, I didn't hear anything. Did they move out? Does the kid not want any celebration anymore?

Not to be a brat, it's still the loneliest birthday, maybe because this year is different and I think I'd got a wish from someone whose birthday also in my range. I thought he'd remember it since we talked about birthday a few times. Too hopeful.

Was I asking too much?

What's so wrong with hope?

 

In 2021, oh, I had what I consider a major heartbreak and grief. The mourning of someone that's still alive.

I felt like a wreck. 7 months of crying everyday - literally every single day. A mess.

I felt so abandoned. I felt devastated. I felt so alone. I felt so terrible. Where did it go wrong? I thought that day was going smoothly. It went well. Was it my ugly attributes? Was it my behavior?

I was..heartbroken. The heartache is still there, as I am typing this. I was trying to mend my broken heart after months of gray days. I still try. No easy task.

The best thing to do was really just to acknowledge and process all the feelings. Every single of it. Even if it means, I am gonna feel like shit. I can't lie, it truly helps. It took me so long to finally not cry again over it. Still feel sad though. But in a better state. But still.. sad.

I remember, I hadn't smiled or laughed on those terrible months. At all. Flat and poker face. No sign of life most of the times. I was in despair. Sometimes, I tried to take a portrait of myself and forced myself to smile. I smiled, but my eyes are not the best actor. It showed a couple of empty eyes with no spark in there. Tired and lifeless eyes. Pics got deleted.

To recall of my past connections with other people, by far this one was the most precious thing I've ever had before it turned to dust. I think that's one of the greatest contribution of my sadness. I lost something meaningful and I loved.

The one where I finally felt things calmly not chaotically.

The one where I can fully be myself.

The one where I'd pick up the calls with no rejection at all even on his first try (I hate phone calls, I'd rather watch it ringing so that I can chat the person afterwards. But for this one? I can spend hours and hours talking until we fell asleep over the phone. And I really like that.)

The one where I got midnight or/to dawn calls which I never knew I'd enjoy.

The one where I can finally see into someone's eyes without being scared away.

The one where I don't feel butterfly in my stomach—contrary to the popular claims, neuroscientist says that butterfly feeling is not a sign of love, it's a sign of anxiety and attachment activation—in a bad way. I felt calm and no chaos in mind. I was not afraid. At all.

The one who actually passed the probation time of mine hahaha (My friends know I never let people in easily to the point I even let the person to even hug me, the maximum act was linking their arm over my shoulder in a friendly way and that was it. So this one was actually pass the vibe check on my term. All the connections I had prior were all platonic. I could have never even imagined to hold or hug them, that's why I never let it any physical. Hence, platonic.)

The one who I firstly disclosed my dark past—he knows why this conversations was brought up. Imagine the comfort level I felt at the time that I let him know what I'd been hiding for 20 years from anyone/anything else—yes, thing, because I didn't even the gut to put it on my journal since I was a kid. I was scared if anyone know it, not even my parents or my brothers. So, I kept it safely in my head. Let it flying and roaming around inside my brain and.. interrupt my life. I trust him. I do.

The one who I'd ever send reach out messages if he's busy or not around for some times—is he still alive? Not because of possessiveness but because his existence and he himself matters to me. I'd never know his well-being if I never asked since we were on one platform only. What if he doesn't exist anymore and I am left wondering all my life what happened to him.

The one whose place I was willing to visit happily—not only during pandemic (Jeez, I was so strict to not going anywhere during pandemic) but for the first time in my life. No public place because it's pandemic and no places safely opened. That's how much I trust him. The level of safety I felt when he was in my life was so off the chart. After years of having dinner by myself, I finally had a dinner companion! I finally had a skin to skin contact during pandemic besides my brothers and my best friend. It was nice. So nice.

The one.. who I got my first kiss with—but I think he low key stole it from me. Haha!

I was 27 and months away of turning 28—I know I know it's too late for some people, but I've never seen it that way. Not rushing thing is my thing. I don't think I've ever felt missing out about this. I've ensured that all my life that I want to have it with someone who made me feel that kind of safety, and hey, I found that person. I was not really looking for someone at the time in a desperate way. I want to get to know someone first. Those were some sweet and warm kisses I got at the time. I felt accepted that day as a person. And I am still so thankful that I had the chance to taste such sweetness. I don't think he realizes that. Life is unpredictable, huh? I got my first kiss during a fucking pandemic. Who would've thought?!

I don't really like a smoker because them smokes make me sick, yet I had my first kiss with a smoker hahahaha! No no, not being a hypocrite because I also have set a bar on which level I let someone in if they're a cigarette smoker.

Honestly, that one made me won't let any smoker in my life anymore if it's not him. I mean, if I kissed again, I'd make sure they're not a smoker of any kind.

Simply put, he's gonna be the one and only smoker I ever kissed. If I ever kissed a smoker again in the future, that's gotta be him. *laughing in tears* 

No, I am serious. I mean it. Heck, I couldn't even envision myself kissing anyone else—at least for now. The taste still lingers. Help! Hey, Siri, play "The Only Exception" by Paramore.

I really like him, huh?! I loved everything about him—except those 1,2,3 things. He's got that one soft spot in me even though he once suggested me lightly to forget about what happened like it's not something when I said I kinda feel embarrassed (I was blushing not feeling ashamed, it's different type of embarrassment, right? It was my first time.) remembering about what happened. How am I supposed to do that when you're my first kiss in which I didn't even let anyone got near in such proximity and touch me all these years? What if you are my one and only kiss since I only really like someone once in a blue moon? What if this is the love I ever give to human being in that way? What if I never loved again? What if I never get over you? What if I never trust anyone anymore? Ok, that's my business but that's kinda dismissive thing to say to forget about it. I felt sad. Painful.

Me? Singing and playing instrument to someone at night until he falls asleep? That's a once in a lifetime moment. And he got that. That's how emotionally secured and available I was at the time.

This one might not a big deal for some people, but he also passed the literacy/typing style I prefer. Also, our taste in music is definitely on a same frequency or wavelength which is important to me. Is this a pivotal thing for others? I find this is essential for any future partner I have. Say you're in the future now, you're under the same roof (or even a car) with someone whose music taste is so different in which you couldn't tolerate and compromise with and you both love playing music while doing things at home. Imagine playing the music you enjoy listening to and your partner keeps saying "Skip it." "I hate this song." "Ugh this song is so blablabla." Or they just straight up moving to another room so they don't listen to what you're playing. Annoying. You don't have to like the same genre, but there's a lane of what wavelength you both are in. I mean this one is a great filter in the early stage, and we gotta be honest to what we can and can't compromise. If you weren't honest in the early stage, you're just gonna drag yourself to another hell. So, yeah, this one is important. For me.

I'm mourning for what happened—remembering how sad it is turning into one-sided connection knowing he's the first one to approach.

If we only got another chance—even if it's for a day, I still wanted to talk things over what happened and I hoped he knows that I was never putting him on a blame—not even once—for what happened, because my feeling is my responsibility. I just want to meet and talk for one last time—if it's really one last time. I want us on a good term even if it means in the end, we will never talk again, but at least we know we're good and not having a hopeless hanging thread waiting to be cut off. Not via chat or call. I'd rather see him again so there's no misinterpretation in tone, mood, and energy. To talk things over like a real responsible adults do—because we started it with a proper one. Right? I still have a lot of things to say. Do I look like a clown now?

And I think, I left my heart at his place. How am I supposed to let other people in again? *shrunken self*

I miss the laugh, I miss the jokes, I miss may-i-call type of message, I miss the taste, I miss the warmth, I miss the way he cares, I miss the voice, I miss the smile, I miss his hugs, I miss the kisses, and I miss his face especially his peaceful sleeping face.

He lighted up my love. 

He lighted up my life.

I miss him. A lot.

I do.

 

Also, I think I still owe him something.

Ah, when it's gonna be a year after what happened, I think the melancholic feeling will be flooding my day and way. 

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By the end of the year,

I tried to let other people in (not really in yet, I kept it at the gate.. still) when I was on final days of grieving—where I didn't cry anymore and tried my best to forget him and when it didn't feel quite stormy. 

It was cool at first with this person. But as the time goes, I found he was kinda pushy—keep asking for video calls when I already stated I don't do video call with someone before I met them and made sure I am a real person with real identity. Fact checked and he knows I am a real person, yet still continuously keeps pressing those video call button on every single call (I ain't switching the call to video call. No way.). Not only once, or trice I let him know, but on every single time he tried to video call (I am not exaggerating); yet still keep crossing those boundaries. Looking back, the amount of times I tried to reject his meet up in a span of a month was a ton. To be honest, that was some impatient behavior of someone. Too pushy. I let him know about it, as always, yet keep pushing me was... eh (?)

A month and with the fact he even didn't pass my probation time yet and still got a lot of unchecked lists, I agreed to meet him just because I was not okay anymore with him pushing me to meet up over and over again, so he can stop it later. When we went around the town for a day, he kissed the top of my head—the top of my hair precisely, without my consent. I let him because it already happened in a blink. Of course, I didn't feel anything yet. When we first met up in his car, he asked to hold my hand, I rejected the request politely. He touched touch my chin, hair, waist and didn't ask me first. Just because someone's love language is affection, doesn't mean the person wants to be touched by just anyone. I stated my refusal once. Of course, all I did was to observe how far he will go until I reach my limit for the rest of the day.

At the end of the day, he asked for a kiss on the cheek, I didn't give it. I didn't want to build false hope. I need times. I don't want to rush things. He knows that, I stated it up front. Every physical and intimate things, I ensure I'll treat it not as a free giveaway but because they earn and deserve it with trust and mutual respect as currency.

One thing that me quite disappointed about that day was when he said he's currently in a meeting during a call with his friend. I was like, "????" He then jokingly said to me after hanging up the call, "It's the same thing, right? Meeting you is a meeting. Hahaha." I tried to brush it off. A meeting and meet up is definitely a different thing. To be honest, I already rose a red flag there.

On a serious note, I was okay to go out that day, with some anxious feeling though since it's my first time going out and eating in public. I felt like an alien after years of not going out during pandemic. No kidding.

I hope men know when someone sets and tells their boundaries up front, it's not because the person want to dismiss potential's chances to approach but to let them know that the person wants to give a chance and at the same time to give a precaution to be kept in mind as the journey goes. To violate boundaries when already given precaution up front is pretty much telling one's character. Setting boundaries is the beginning of mutual respect. Boundaries are a form of respect.

If someone said no the first time around, it means no. You could've asked the second time after some time passed. If the answer is still 'No', it's still a 'No' at the time. Ask again with an appropriate time gap. Know your place. The stated boundaries are there not to be violated or to be changed until the person change their answer. I think if someone changes their mind, they're willing to tell you voluntarily, because they finally want it, too.. then you all can do some adjustment.

I remember when he said that he's gonna try to ask me until I said yes and change my mind and until I want to do it—to meet and to video call. At the time, I already felt (???). There's a line between respectful effort and forcing someone.

I had my last straw after I tried to weigh things here and there. My fault that I stayed for awhile because I also wanted it to work.

Ending the connection was no easy task, but I did what I need to do after weeks of contemplation. Weighing this and that, and I know there was no future and change.

But I was glad I assertively end it with a proper one. No hard feelings.

 

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Although this year was a mess mentally and emotionally, I still try my best to balance it with small wins by keeping up with my daily habits. Healthy habits.

A year of daily workout and walking over 3 millions steps! The self discipline I've got really help me get through this messy year and still on a streak on my workout and walking habit. It's automatic now. It's freeing to feel that way. Strength training, body weight and dumbbells, resistance training, cardio, HIIT, dance, and yoga are all my type of workout. Mix and match. Next year, I want to be stronger, more lean, and more flexible. I accomplished this year goal by losing unnecessary fat and 10 kilograms (55.3 to 45 kilograms. I am 155 cm!) in a span of a year. It's in a healthy way. Yay!

For walking, before I developed this 7k+ steps habit daily, I used to walk and choose the shortest way to destination (say it near my place to grocery store or to buy daily food), but since I develop this habit, I take the longest way to add steps on the tracker, and find it so therapeutic, either it's early morning or even on a cold and dark night. It strengthen my legs and trains my heart (no pun intended), too!

Mindful eating—no phone or other activity during eating my meal. Only eating and feel the taste, texture, and everything on my plate each day. Grateful!

No phone outside. I no longer carry my phone if I only go near my places by walking so I can focus on my walking and enjoy the surroundings. 

Uninstall TikTok—this app is so addicting. I decided to leave it in August 2021. I'm good now. The For You Page (FYP) is too messy. I keep pressing the "not interested" button for content I dislike but the same type of content keeps reappearing. I even needed to block the accounts, but months later—god knows what happened to their old accounts—the same person with different accounts keep popping up since they're so popular. It's exhausting. Also, most of the contents are too casual (people are too comfortable on that app talking about A-Z or doing whatever it takes as long as their content made it to FYP, like why would you do that?!) to my liking. I didn't dig it. So, uninstall it is. I think I'm going to try to reduce my social media usage next year.

No exhaust fan! This one is great. I gotta give myself a pat in the back. I live with no exhaust fan or even AC in Jakarta! *galaxy brain* I quit using a standing fan since 7 years ago when my first fan got broken—I hate fan, it didn't lower the temperature at all and it dried my hair in a bad way. It's also bad for lungs, huh? I then changed it to exhaust fan which is better in term of circulating the air in and out for better circulation. My chosen place was not a room with AC because your girl has rhinitis. I think I am okay though with using AC in Jakarta since it's a fake cold, but I try to improve my health too by living and sleeping with no exhaust fan/AC as much as I can. I gave up living in a cold place like my hometown since my Jakarta-adapted lungs and nose are not befriends with the cold weather anymore. Lmao. It's sad though.

On a long streak (over 1000 days) on Duolingo - French, Dutch, Mandarin. I focused on French this year. Next year, I am going to start to learn Japanese again, I took Japanese as an extracurricular back in high school, but I ran away hahaha then changed it to creative course. I am gonna left Mandarin this year. I think I had it enough as a main lesson during my high school era. If I ever forget about the Mandarin lesson—not much I remember hahaha, I will let it slip voluntarily. Hahaha. I think I am gonna be okay.

As for healthy eating and drink a lot of water each day, this one come as automatic now, and it's been 5 years. It's going strong. I am on intermittent fasting (the one with nutrients not fast foods *clink* *clink*) and OMAD (since Dec 2020).

I got my Astra Zeneca vaccines this year, on August and November. I thought I was gonna get the other effects because people experience hard effect post AZ vaccination. I only experienced a sore arm on area of the jab—which is good for me, because getting sick when you're alone is not a pleasant experience to have. Oh and the day I got my second vaccination, I met 3 random ass people after the jab in a day. First, the guy who stands next to me in a corner of the street of the hospital—no way I am wrong, he's a robber. Second, the fake Go-Jek driver—basically, I was about to be either captured or robbed. He was so suspicious and the plate number is different from what appeared on the app, he was trying to convince me but I ain't a fool. I was already wearing the helmet but I see the phone and there's no Go-Jek app on display and he tried to be busy with his phone. I am glad I was listening to my guts and said sorry I couldn't take the ride and ask him to open my helmet since it's difficult to open. I offer him the cash for cancellation as my apologize, I should've asked how much and he probably answered randomly hahaha. It ain't much, only Rp 14.000,- but imagine if I took the ride? Whoosh, I probably could not type this right now. Third, this creepy person in the dark of the night and street, riding his motorbike, from behind my backk suddenly stopped next to me, "Do you need a ride?" It was near my place. I don't know him. Never seen him. Never happened before near my place. It's super creepy, I don't know what he was thinking. That's not a random act of kindness. For the record, I was wearing baggy black shirt, unfitted jeans (not tight), sandal, my hair got tied loosely. It was a wtf! moment. A wtf! day, I'd say. All these random 3 creepy men in a span of a day?! A day?! What was the universe trying to conspire that day?

During pandemic, I've never gotten ill physically. Yay! I keep my mask up and wash my hands after touching things outside. Not even a flu or rhinitis. If you don't have a good support system, try to stay healthy and maintain your own health.

After years and years of go-food's existence or other similar things, I finally made my first purchase ever via the app. Hah! I wouldn't do it if it's not me trying to carry something for my brothers when I came to visit after a year of no meet up during pandemic. That was my one and only purchase ever for food via app. It was Quiznos. Pre-pandemic, I used to buy it every once in awhile offline because its location was not so far from my place. Pandemic made me do this and broke my streak on not ever buying anything via delivery app. This one is funny to me, because the fact that I have this in mind before breaking my streak: why should I buy food online (pre pandemic) if all I ever wanted to eat was reachable near my place and it only steps away?

I'll keep writing on my journal daily. To be honest, this year, I input my daily entry on my phone. I need to rewrite them all on my journal. 

2021 is a remark that I've lived in this place for 10 years! And I got one month free rent!

 

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Some say you should not tell people about your plans, I agree to some extent. For this one, I let people know, because this is some new habit and lesson I will try to develop alongside my existing habits. 

Next year, I'll try my best to improve my sleep. I know I've got 7-8 hours a day for sleep, but the schedule was kinda mess up all this time. So, wristband all night long to record my sleep!

I also want to learn how to play chess. I've wanted to do this since I was a kid. Never got a chance because I found it confusing without learning the rules and term and conditions first. So, I'll make time for this.

I think I also want to learn more gestures for my ASL. Ah, I wish big platform like Duolingo will have sign language on its course. *manifesting*

Maybe I need to give more attention to my channel, too. It's low key been abandoned since I was in a messy state.

I also want to be back as an avid reader. All these short videos on most apps now made people's attention span so terrible, have you noticed? It's so obvious to me, especially when I found video that longer than 1 minute is considered too long and the urge to skip it was sky rocketing. That's bad. I want to read more books next year. 30 books maybe? I mean the goal is not to read as much as books, but the goal is to be back as a reader. To read daily. More on self development/non fiction, I suppose. Maybe 1-5 fictions. The fiction era was peak on high school and university life, at least for me.

To learn some of advanced guitar chords is my next year list. Excited to learn more of it, especially some of my old favorite songs that I've been playing with simplified chords! During my sad days, it helped me to go through the day by playing some instruments even though at the end of the day I still cry. But imagine if I had nothing to do for entertainment and dwell on my sadness 24/7 with no break? A hell.

As for dating, I am not sure if I'd date again next year. I basically have been putting my wall high up again. If I was that desperate to date, I could've just dated anyone, you know. There are a lot of people trying to approach me, but I am not built that way. I am not built that way.

But we'll see if I am trying to open my heart again. I think I will, though. I won't let my heartbreak ever decide that I should not ever pour all my love to anyone else anymore. I want to keep loving, I want to receive love fully. Reciprocal one. :)

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Oh well, I didn't plan to write this long. It's been months of not writing anything. I think I enjoy to share this as my year in review. I still have so much to tell, but for this post, this is it.

This year I learn how to process all my feeling fiercely and not dismiss any single of it. Yes, I felt like shit. And that's okay. I bravely don't repress my feelings. I navigate all of them. I let them all come through me. 

 

This year I found that:

It's true, some people found you at your peace then proceeded to leave you in pieces.

 

Even with that phrase in mind, it still doesn't avoid the heartbreak to happen.

Healing involves healthy grieving. I believe that. As the famous quote by Jamie Anderson says, "Grief is really just love. It's the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

Grief is just love with no place to go.

Who knows that growth required so much grieving?

I also love this statement by Matthew Walker: "..emotions in appropriate amounts make life worth living. They offer healthy and vital existence, psychologically and biologically speaking. Take them away, and you face a sterile existence with no highs or lows to speak of. Emotionless, you will simply exist, rather than live." 

So yeah, I'd rather show my feeling with no remorse.

 

 

I don't know if he will ever find or read this but..

I hope he knows that day when he sent the latest message which I'd not see it coming anymore, I was trying my hardest to put it aside and to not respond to it after I read it. I thought I already passed my 5th stage of grief. I resisted to respond and waited for my mind to be calm again. I still remember how I felt at that exact moment. All my efforts to forcefully forget him and move on.. at that day I received the message was.. going with the wind in a single blow.

I hope the day I responded to the message is the day when he would not misread/misinterpret the tone of the message at all, I hope he'd read it when he's not in a chaotic state of mind. 

Maybe for him those 2 days were just a regular Monday and Tuesday but I also hope he knows that..

those 2 days and all the things we did was the highlight of my 2021. 

2021 is not my best year but at least...

I met him and I am forever grateful for that.

Special note for my future potential/life partner: I hope you're secure enough to read and acknowledge this kind of post on my blog and not find this as an obstacle since it's a year in a review, you can ask me about this, so don't assume, please ask me first, I am open about this. It already happened. So, if you found yourself need to back off after reading this while we're in a talking stage, then I don't think we are going any further either. And I think if you happened to be my life partner in the end, you must've read this and we must have gone through a lot together, and somehow I know that you're already emotionally secured and available to even let you in and as my partner in life let alone to have read this post. Looking forward to see you soon in the future!

Ah, I am just gonna tuck in my blanket as the year changing. I hate unorganized fireworks.

Happy New Year!

Alone in Pandemic

Hi, how are you all? How are you feeling?

I hope you doing fine, wherever you are. Whatever you're currently doing.

So, how's the pandemic been treating you all?

It's been a crazy year, huh? Oh sorry, years.. with s. Almost two years now. 

That's nuts.

I guess this is gonna be another story time. I love story time!

March 2020. 

It's all began there.

Anxious. Panic. Terrified. It was almost like an apocalypse. Never did I imagine all people around—ALL—experience this at the same time. Pandemic.

We are all terrified of things that isn't even visible to the naked eyes. We should. I mean if you are human beings who are believe in science, YOU should be feeling terrified when this invisible virus make the worlds suddenly stop.

Who would've thought we are gonna experience all of these—no flights allowed for months, stay at home, no work from office unless you're essential workers, and the craziest thing.. no schools are open. Literally, no school are open for a long period of time, all around the world. Like..what?!

But we have to. So, we're and can be safe.

People started to working from home, spending more time with their family with/out obstacles. Some people feel happier they can do whatever they can't do pre-pandemic, they feel they have more time now. Some people feel suffocated and experience cabin fever. Understandable, for sure.

Who are you spending your time with at home during pandemic?

It's been 19 months of this pandemic.

As a hardcore homebody, I had no big deal to spend more time at home. Alone. I can do my things, like common days pre-pandemic. That's my life.

In 2020, as I mentioned on my last post—8 months in pandemic—on New Year's Eve, I was doing fine. I was working on myself, my well-being—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Everything was great. Excellent.

I literally spent it alone during that year. Do you want to know how many times I went out in 2020? By going out, I meant the time I would use any kind of transportation to other place.

Once. One time.

It was in September 2020, to meet my brother on his birthday, at their place. I spent 5-6 hours with them that day. It was nice. I got to hug and talked to them eye to eye after a very long time not catching up. We met in Feb 2020 before this. We usually catch up every month or so. This was the longest time we hadn't met each other in our entire life that time. 7 months. Sigh.

Physically, I met 4 people during March - December 2020.

My brothers (Sep 2020), one of my best friend who visited me in my place (Nov 2020), my new friend who I accompanied looking for a new place to live (Nov 2020).

The one who I had contact physically were only my brothers. Skin to skin. I was so alienated during this pandemic. As someone whose love language is physical touch and quality time, this pandemic has robbed that from me. It felt good to have a human contact again. Not that I was so desperate for human touch, but I was glad I was in touch with human again. If I was that desperate, I'd ask just anyone who tried to approach me in 2020 to touch me. Ok, I am not that kind of gal.

During my friend's visit, we practiced physical distancing, in my room. It was so weird. We had a good time though, we hadn't met for two years that time. The last time we met was on my birthday in 2018. I've missed her so much—we haven't met again ever since. We hugged each other when she's about to depart. No skin to skin. She wore a long sleeves that day. I was glad we met, she always understands me. She understands that I am so paranoid during this uncertain times. Thank you!

During my 'trip'—as if it was far from my place hahaha—with a new friend to accompany her looking for a new place to live, we walked side by side, definitely. With mask on. Definitely. How come I accompanied a new friend looking for her new place in the mid of pandemic? A new friend? Hera with a new friend? Unhealthy Hera before pandemic would be in shock if they knew this healthier Hera. Hahaha. Anyways, it was a fun time accompanying her. Oh, and that time, we went to a new McDonalds to grab some foods. I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA that there was a new McDonalds building near my place. That's how long I hadn't gone out 'faraway' from home. By faraway, it's literally near my campus. Near my place. Hahaha wtf! 

The last time I remember about that place—before new building, it was still a site with borders here and there, with no sign ready for new building. Ok, Hera, it's 9 months in pandemic, anything can happen, including this new building.

Let me tell you about the time when I visited this new building of this fast food chain. It felt..strange. I felt like an alien who just arrived on Earth and was trying the earthlings' foods. I literally had spent so much time at only home to ever get to experience this thing again—red: like window shopping in this kind of building. It's so strange and... unsafe. There was no people buying at the time, thankfully and fortunately. We can go in and out in minutes, because I didn't want to spend more time in public indoors. Anxious.

That's my human contact in 2020. Human contact for this was counted as skin-to-skin and/or talking in full convorsations—eye to eye—for more than 1 minute. Yep, for more than 1 minutes.

How was I surviving that year? Looking back, I didn't go out, I only tended my plants, illustrated and stuff, decluttered my things, did chores daily, played instruments, worked out daily, talked to stray cats who frequently visits me—Eeeh I meant the time it's their dinner time, and oh, talked to my friends in virtual world—because it's the normalcy during this stay-at-home.

Many doubt that I never really go out and they were quite surprised how I was able to stay at home all the time. Sorry, but don't project your lack of self-control onto me hahaha. My self-control is out of this world and I can win any race in this field. Hahaha. Ok, this is legit my friend's testimonial of me. 

If I say I won't go out, then I won't. If I say I want to meet, then that means I really want to meet. All the things that come out from my mouth, it takes countless of big pictures in my head to finalize my decision, to vocalize and verbalize it. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. If I haven't said anything about it yet, that means I am still thinking each possibilities. Safety first in all aspect it's gonna affect.

I'd say, my first year in pandemic was excellent for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. First year, that means March 2020 - March 2021. I had zero problem, as exception for lack of human touch. Oh wait, speaking of human touch in the first year, even touching cashier hand by accident during payment and changes was pretty.. non-existent. Insanity. 

Reconnecting with my inner self was the main core of my solitude that time. I truly can have my peace. No busy noise inside my mind nor environment I live in. It's serene. Peaceful. Even when I look at pictures I took during that time now, I was so much happier. No emotional baggage. I can see it on my face on all of those pictures.

I was happy, at ease, and at peace.

Should we move on to March 2021 a.k.a sophomore year of pandemic?

It sucks. 

Early March 2021, I was okay, I was happy, I felt loved, I felt seen, I felt heard, I felt cared for and about.

But that only happened for a short time.

I've been crying every day since April 2021.

Hera? Crying? Every day? Since when that happen? I've never really cried like that. If anything, I cried during emotional moments or sad movies only, that's it. Other than that, I never cried over personal things in all that seriousness. Even in 2020, I didn't cry at all for personal matter—I didn't have very much human contact either, so probably that's why.

No, I wasn't feeling lonely and empty. Bold and underlined this. I was content before all of this.

These has been terrible months. I wished I am joking right now, but that's true, I've been crying every single day, exception 1-12 Sep 2021. See? I can even count how many times I didn't cry because that was liberating and small win of the day. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Who the fuck was that the one who's crying every day? Even during my hardest time 2016-2018, I never cried—I am not proud of this. I felt so numb those time though. So.. yeah.

Now that I am still in my healing journey, I said I have to embrace every feelings that I happen to experience. I get to process it and not dismiss it. Any of it. I've never thought it would be this chaotic and spiraling. I think this is too much to handle with no one to lean on by my side. Maybe because this is my first time. The first time I really let someone fully in when they're knocking at my door. Now, it's just all sadness. I keep missing it. I keep missing the moments and the person. Thinking and wondering where did it go all wrong. In repeat.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that they said they're not gonna change their view of me after what I told them and then behaved differently the next day. They turned their back. Just..like..that.

Earlier of those months be like:

Crying while eating my dinner?

Crying while taking showers?

Crying while just woke up?

Crying while just laying in bed?

Crying while just doing my works?

Crying while just scrolling my screen?

Crying while listening to happy song?

Crying while working out? 

Crying while walking at night outside?

It's all effortless..in a bad way. My tears would just come out seconds after thinking about it. Chest feel suffocated and itchy like some sharp stuff been squeezing and hijacking my heart. Nose suddenly feel stuffed and hard to breathe. Eyes got teary here and there.

Been a weird period of times. I am feeling so weak and helpless. Even my secure attachment style only does a little help this time. I still cry every now and then, like those earlier months.

I've been trying to be strong and doing other things so I don't think about it. But when the night comes and all silence, it all comes out again. The tears.

Since that day, I haven't been able to sleep with lights off as usual. I am unable to sleep alone with the lights off. Now, every time the lights off, I feel terrified because that moments would keep replaying in my head. It's been living in my head rent free. I don't even really go online on that green messenger anymore for months now. I feel scared.

People said, no response is a response. But heck, be responsible and mature for what you've started. I'd rather be told "I don't like you. I don't need you anymore. Get out of my life. Fuck off!" than be treated with silent treatment with countless ambiguity, all in a sudden. Don't need to be told they're busy when I know they really are, but deep down I know that's not the main reason. I already know they just don't want to talk anymore and been talking to multiple people ever since. Have the guts and audacity to say it. Verbalize it like when they insisted on wanting me by their side. Sigh.

If I know the person for one day only, I'd just be careless for whatever the outcome, or even if it's a week, or a month. Half a year is not just a time passing by. I value my time and people I deeply care for. Not that it should be this and that in the end, I live in the present and in the moment, try to be conscious and mindful, and I cherish for what's happening. I value whatever we were doing and whatever it was. Being human. Human in a connection.

This is what it costs to be a human with a feeling?

I am not blaming the person. I am not blaming myself either. I value the person and the time we spent together. I love those moments—every seconds of it—and I am grateful for anything what happened that time ever since I know the person. I don't need this one become a new wound after I healed my oldest one for the last stage, especially with the person's help.

I feel sad and in despair, and think this is so unfair. I need clarity. Being a demi and finally got someone on that right spot—it was just so..right, that I can't even resist—which is a rare occurrence then suddenly this happened—by rare I mean for the first time in 27 years I live on this earth—, it's..I got no right word to describe it. 

I stopped there—well I've stopped a long time ago and only talked to the person—and apparently they keep wandering after that time. Why would I keep looking anymore when I already feel content with only one person? Was that a wrong step on my part? Maybe the person didn't feel as content as I was, in each other companionship. Is that true? Sigh. This made me feel like I am not good enough. How could they be so okay doing this? Long sigh.

My repair attempt seems being rejected. I had no clue. I HAVE no clue. 

I still want it to be on a good term. I guess I am still waiting. I guess?

God damn, this hurts.

—

Year in Review for 2021 is gonna be a train wreck.

Fuck.

Off Charts

"Okay, maybe later!"

That's what I said optimistically.

"Okay, maybe later."

Not even coming

"Okay, maybe later..."

Na ah, zero.

"Maybe, next..month?"

Pointless

I ain't a mind reader

Do I really deserve this?

Do I?

Took me months to seal this

It was the day I woke up and said..

"I don't want to feel this way anymore."

I kept extending the limit

or maybe I still do..

Maybe..

I still do

Just for the sake of it.

It's hard being devalued

It's hard being forgotten

All in a sudden..

Who am I to deserve those five seconds, anyway?

I don't feel mad

Not even hating

I feel..

disappointed.

I was not ready

..at all

I am trying to make sense of it all

so I can take away the terrible pain.

Last Day of 2020

2020.

It's been a "special" year where I can go full on my solitude and healing. 

The year where I learn to let go and to welcome new people, new chances.

The year where I can go being mindful and at peace.

 

2020.

It's pandemic. Never in a million years did I think I'm gonna experience this in my lifetime. Joke on us, human around the world was thinking it's gonna last only 2 weeks. 2 weeks became 2 months. Let's hope it's not gonna hit 2 years. Not really optimistic about this one though. It's almost a year and we've seen no exit..yet. Hang in there, pals. We're all this together. I am doing my own part. How about you?

 

2020.

The year where I realize I can't hold something I thought valuable while it keeps cutting me.

I made it valuable. I valued it. At some point - or even since beginning (?), it's growing its thorns. My hand kept bleeding. I made myself bleeding. It was my choice. I thought it's gonna stop bleeding. I was wrong.

 

2020.

The year where I am bettering myself at boundaries. Saying what I really mean. What I want. Bettering at communicating. Saying No as a No. Yes as a Yes. I stand for myself.

2020.

The year where I can learn myself, my likes and dislikes, my inner child, my fear, my dream, and my triggers. Learning more about my attachments.

Being alone in pandemic throughout the 2020, I tried to start over. Everything. E v e r y t h i n g.

I finally do what I had refused to do all this time. I try new things and new interest. I give myself another chance to grow. Grow as a better version of my old self.

2020.

The year where I can finally forgive myself. My mistakes I thought unforgivable. Things that made me stopping or slow my pace. Back and forth. I've let myself hurt by my own anger for myself. Saying I don't deserve forgiveness. I was too hard on myself. Too hard, I can't even comprehend why I did that to myself. It ruined my peace and my sanity.

 

2020.

The year where I love myself and others. The year I let others love me. The year I let my guard down. People say I am too picky. I am not. I am selective. I know what I want and need. I need to know them first. Trusting other human being is hard after being trapped with liars. This year, I open my heart. I let people in. Learning them is fun. Different people, different characters. I don't put pressure on myself. I see them as they are. If we're vibing and getting along well, we can go further. No rush. 

2020.

The year where I finally..yes finally can commit to workout daily. It's been good. Starting since November 2020, up until this post, I am still on track. Yay! Taking care of myself this year. I've been eating no good this year. I ate what I was not supposed to eat. Eating while staying at home (pandemic), what did I get? Gaining weight. 6 kgs in total.. in a year. No, not even a year. I could say it happened since June 2020. Worry not, the workout works like a charm. I've seen good progress. Gotta stay consistent. I'll see what it can offer and what I can do in the future. This year, I write in the back of my mind, I get to do good things so my future self can thank me. I have an important homework though, getting my sleep schedule like other "normal" human being. Being friendly with my circadian rhythm. I sleep for 7-8 hours daily, but still.. the schedule. Eum, working on it! Hehe

2020.

They year where I accept myself as I am. As a whole human being with soft rocky heart and thoughtful busy mind. As a whole human with imperfection in attitude, behavior, and looks. I am bettering myself. Accepting and embracing all the feelings. Allowing myself to learn triggers that can make me sad, happy, confused, joy, scared. I am learning.

2020.

I am at peace and at ease.

 

Last day of 2020,

as I am typing this, I was left in the cold. Waiting for someone to write me back. I've been waiting since 6 pm. I was supposed to meet him today. Where is he? Is he okay? I don't know. He's gone into the thin air, I guess. What a day to end this year, huh?

 

It's okay. I hope he's good, there.

I'll be spending today alone, just like my others "happy new year."

Thank you, 2020.

Hey, 2021.

Buckle up!